radiosunday

Right now I am not doing so well. I feel as if I always get to a certain point in my journey and I get too overwhelmed, scared, fearful, worried, guilt ridden and I become paralyzed and can no longer move forward so I either stay where I am or move backwards. I want to break that cycle. I NEED to move on. Take a leap of faith and do something. Take a chance, make a move and live. Who knew living would be so fucking difficult. I know some people can’t relate or understand this but I’m sure some of you do. 

12 years ago I started my downward spiral and it brought me to an extremely dark place. Now I am fighting to make my way out and it isn’t easy. Over those 12 years I’ve picked up some real bad habits, coping skills, defense mechanisms, and bad behaviors. Unlearning them and learning a new way to live has proved itself to be no easy task. I haven’t given up hope yet. I see plenty of other people lead great lives and I know if they can do it then so can I. I just have a million and one excuses why I can’t and I need to lose them. Why I am posting this on tumblr.. I have no clue, but it can’t hurt.

I tend to start things and not finish them. I tend to make plans and not go through with them. I tell people I will call and/or hang out with them and I stand them up. I tell myself I will do things, and let myself down. I am 24 and have not a single thing to show for what I have done with my life but some scars and whole shit load of hurt people.

I feel like there is so much to be done and I don’t know where to start and when I try to figure out what to do next I can’t focus on one thing. I overload my mind with worry, confusion, doubt, low self-esteem, and self-hate. Telling myself I need to sign up for my GED classes usually ends up with me telling myself I’m an idiot and then remembering all the terrible things I went through in school. When I think about getting a job I can’t just look through the help wanted ads and put in some applications. I have to go right to no one will ever hire me. I’m dumb, I don’t have a GED I’m ugly no one wants a ugly person working in their store, I can never hold a job I always ruin it. I don’t know how to talk to people. I’m too awkward, I’m too shy, I’m too immature.

And that’s not even half the things I think about on a daily basis. I didn’t even mention my family or spiritual/religious issues or anything.

I let it all build up until everything is so unmanageable and painful I’m about to explode. I feel so fucking stuck. HELP ME!

I really hope I can soon face these things, one at a time, until I am free from the bondage of self and I’m able to live a happy modest life with friends, family and love.

To whoever reads this… if you have any experience with any of these issues and have made it through to the other side… any help is greatly appreciated.

Thanks.